


Good Grief

by ExpressAndAdmirable



Series: The Heroes of Light [61]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types, Final Fantasy I
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Drow, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, The Jaxa Cycle, Tiefling, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 15:50:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13527531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExpressAndAdmirable/pseuds/ExpressAndAdmirable
Summary: Lux tells Sol what happened when she went to confront Jaxa (adapted from an actual D&D session). Contains: gaslighting, emotional abuse, violence, grief. (Featuring art!)





	Good Grief

**Author's Note:**

> Included is a heartbreaking sketch from the dream Aviva had directly after this piece, drawn by Morgan's player (@stufflaalikes on Tumblr).

She finds Haluei’en sequestered in the room they share, tucked away in an upper corner of the manor providing them temporary shelter, the pieces of her newly recovered armour scattered around her on the floor. Her breastplate covers her lap like a blanket, the cleaning cloth in her hand moving slowly, distractedly, across the metal. The armour is pristine, it does not need shining, but it keeps her hands busy and her mind quiet.

The door closes behind her with a soft click and Haluei’en looks up to meet Aviva’s gaze. The Tiefling’s face is a mural of grief, the battle makeup she had donned so determinedly reduced to little more than faint, wet streaks trailing down the curves of her cheeks, reconstituted even as she wipes them away. Haluei’en slides the breastplate from her legs, setting the cloth beside it on the floor, and the tired ghost of a sad smile flickers across Aviva’s face. There is something in Haluei’en’s compassionate silence that never fails to soothe the tempests raging in her mind.

With more gentleness than she has shown herself all evening (with more gentleness than she feels she deserves), Aviva lowers herself to the floor and folds into Haluei’en’s waiting arms. She feels the warmth of her, the heartbeat in her chest, the bones and skin and breath and realness of her, and the tensions both have been carrying finally begin to seep out of their connected bodies. Aviva tucks her head into the curve of the Drow’s neck and allows herself to weep afresh; not the wracking, screaming sobs that overtook her in the back room of the tavern, but a quiet, aching sorrow, the canticle of her heartbreak. Haluei’en’s eyes are dry and distant, and she rests her cheek against the Tiefling’s hair.

For a time after the tears have slowed, they exist without words, feeling the rhythm of each other’s hearts, safe in the tangle of each other’s limbs. Aviva lifts her head to speak and Haluei’en kisses her, featherlight, the relief at her survival unspoken in the face of what they lost. They linger there, liminal, intertwined. Then the Tiefling takes a deep, shuddering breath and begins the retelling.

“It was… weird. In the tavern. It was weird in that it wasn’t weird. People stared at us on our way across the city, and I’m used to that, but once we got inside no-one batted an eye. It was like we weren’t even there. The music kept playing, people kept talking. The barkeep served us without fuss. It felt so… _normal_.

“And then she was there. I don’t know how long she’d been there; I don’t know how we missed her. But she was just standing there, watching us. Smiling. She saw that Cid wasn’t you and she didn’t seem to know what to make of that. But she looked… ready. She’d done her hair, her makeup… I assumed she was wearing her battle armour, too.

“I don’t know what I was expecting. A fight? A verbal sparring match? But she came up to us, and she… She said she _missed_ me. She said she didn’t want to hurt me, had never wanted to hurt me. That serving the master had given her everything she could have wanted, except me. She wished we’d been able to reunite sooner, and didn’t understand why _I_ kept making things so hard. Leaving her, ‘hiding’ from her. And she meant it, Halei. I could see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice. She meant every word. She has no idea, not even the faintest clue, how much pain she caused. How much damage she did. Somehow, in her own monstrous, twisted way, she still… loves me.

“She pointed out the tavern around us, how no-one was staring. How normal it was. I can only assume she staged the scene, because that was the start of her pitch. She told me that if I went with her, it could always be this way. No hate, no fear, no keeping our guard up. We could have anything we wanted. We could be around our own kind, have a real community, which is something most of us have never had. We could build the life for ourselves that every Tiefling dreams of, if only I would just… be hers.

“She kept referring to ‘home’. Come home. Let’s go home. And when I asked where my mother was, she said she was also home. When she realised neither of us knew what she meant, she got… almost _offended_. Home is where Tieflings go when they answer the Calling. It’s where I’m supposed to go. The fact that I’ve been ignoring the Call has evidently been cause for some consternation at ‘home’. The assassins in Pravoka? They were sent to collect me, not kill me. To bring me home. Fat lot of good that did them.”

A small chuckle escapes Haluei’en’s lips, and the sound is like music. Aviva closes her eyes, revelling in it; it feels like years since anyone has laughed. She smiles slightly, and in that smile she finds the strength to continue.

“The official reason she asked to meet was to offer us a deal. If we leave and never come back, we’ll all be allowed to live, and my mother can come with us. That’s the Archmagistrix’s offer. Jaxa’s personal offer was just for me: let her take me home and show me how good life could be at the beck and call of the master.

“You keep me here, Halei. You and Wil and Grummer and– Because I _do_ feel it. I feel the Calling, all the time, reaching out to me. It’s like… when you’re standing with your back to the campfire, but you can still feel its warmth, and it would be so easy to turn around and let it embrace you. It’s not what I want. I don’t want to be with Jaxa; I don’t want to be any place where she can find me. I don’t want to be with the master– with the demon. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t understand.”

Haluei’en nods, her arms wrapping a little tighter around Aviva. She’s not going to let her Tiefling go.

“I told her I wanted to see my mother. I needed some sort of assurance she was alright. I had no plans to accept the offer, but I wanted– I _needed_ to see her. Cid tried to convince me to leave. When I wouldn’t leave, she tried to remind me not to let Jaxa into my head. I thought I was alright, I really did, but I don’t know, it was all… It was fucking with me. All the memories coming back to the surface. I could feel myself slipping back into old habits. I knew how easily she’d be able to get under my skin and make me doubt my own mind, and I thought I’d be stronger, but… It happened. Cid knew it. She tried to save us, and I didn’t listen. I wanted to see how it ended.

“We went into a back room, and Jaxa conjured a scrying circle so I could see my mother. She was just… sitting there. Wherever she was. Just sitting in a chair, staring into the fireplace. She wasn’t unhappy, I guess. She certainly wasn’t in pain. Jaxa knew she had me between a rock and a hard place, so she tried again. If I went with her, I could be with my mother. And I… I thought about it. If there was a way to go with her for just a short time. See my mother and come back again. She asked if I was so hesitant because I didn’t trust her, or because I didn’t trust myself, and I said… I said that because they had my mother, my trust in myself was irrelevant, and that’s why I had Cid.

“My mother’s not a hostage. She’s there… willingly. According to Jaxa, anyway. When I still wouldn’t go with her, still looking for loopholes like the idiot I am, she told me I was the only one left. The only Tiefling. The only one who hadn’t answered the Call. That’s it. There’s… just me. I don’t even know that many other Tieflings, I don’t have that many to lose… But in that moment, I don’t think I’ve ever felt lonelier.

“Cid argued with her. She said the only person who gets to determine my purpose is me. Somehow, that’s what pissed her off enough to put a stop to all of it. She asked, point blank, if I was going with her. I said no. Not today. She sighed, looked at me, and said, ‘Then I guess I’ll have to take a hostage.’ Gods, I should have known she was going to do something, I should have–”

Aviva’s breath catches in her throat and she covers her mouth with her hand. Haluei’en rests her forehead against Aviva’s temple, rocking her gently until she’s able to speak again.

“Cid didn’t have a chance. One second we were talking, the next she was unconscious on the floor and Jaxa was standing over her, looking at me. Daring me. So I attacked her. I should have tried to heal Cid, but I grabbed Jaxa by the throat and cast a spell that was supposed to make her flee. Maybe I was thinking I could heal Cid once she was gone… Or maybe there’s more darkness in me than I thought. I honestly don’t know anymore.

“I hurt her, I did do that much. But she didn’t run. She just looked at me with this expression of pure, unadulterated rage. It’s a look I remember from the old days. She realised I was serious about not going with her, and so she… she…

“She killed her. She reached down and snapped her neck. I watched her body fade, like Bornelius’ did; just fade away until only her crystal remained. Jaxa picked it up and said, ‘ _Now_ I have a hostage.’

“I tried to get it back, you have to believe me. I begged her for it, tried to goad her into another fight so maybe I could grab it. But she just kept sneering at me. She told me I don’t know anything, but I would learn, and it would hurt the entire time I was learning. She said I needed to wise up and figure it out, or else you and Wil and everyone else I cared about would end up just like Cid. She gave me twenty-four hours to make a choice, and then… she was gone.”

Aviva blames herself. Haluei’en blames herself. It does neither of them any good. Fighting off another wave of tears, Aviva closes her eyes, lapsing back into miserable silence. Haluei’en tucks a lock of violet hair behind her ear and kisses her forehead, one cheek, the other, her lips. Instinctively, Aviva draws her into a deeper kiss, a sudden fire burning fiercely and desperately within her. One hand runs through Haluei’en’s hair and rests on her neck, the other tightening its hold on her waist, her breath quickening. There are still ways to feel whole.

Haluei’en reciprocates for a moment, then draws back to see the Tiefling’s face and shakes her head. She knows what Aviva wants: to feel the Drow tremble at her touch, to make her cry out, to prove to herself they’re both still alive. But Aviva does not need this tonight, and deep down, she knows it. It will do little to ease the pain. Aviva drops her head, her cheeks flushing with shame, but Haluei’en lifts her chin and kisses her lightly once more. Everyone mourns in their own way.

Taking Aviva’s hand, Haluei’en rises, helping the Tiefling to her feet. It’s time for bed. There’s nothing more to be done tonight, and they have to rest while they still have the security to do so. Aviva isn’t sure she’ll be able to sleep. Haluei’en understands. If they cannot sleep, they will spend the night holding each other close, and they will approach the next day when it comes.

Tonight is for the catharsis of words. Tomorrow is for the catharsis of blood.

**Author's Note:**

> Title song by Dessa.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr at @expressandadmirable for a proper table of contents for the Heroes campaign, commissioned character art, text-based roleplay snippets and more!


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